sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
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