Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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