I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Just cropdusted the office
well you can't waste a boner
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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