sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
honey bunches of taint.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
