I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
