so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
