I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
