he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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