i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize