Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
