haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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