I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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