Man, jail baloney is awful.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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