puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
