just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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