Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
