"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
