I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize