My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
