Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Randomize
