people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
