if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
