I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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