Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Randomize
