I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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