the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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