we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
