can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
