you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
