dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Boobs speak an international language.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
