life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
