Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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