some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
