He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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