What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
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