Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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