Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
