I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
