my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
