just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Your cock deserves a montage
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
