so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
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