I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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