I have demons in me.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
