I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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