I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
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