what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
