god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
