I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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