Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
she looked like the before picture.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
