beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize
