i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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