i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
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