I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
