Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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