no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
