does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
false alarm. still invincible.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
