he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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