I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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