Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
