Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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