the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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