Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Randomize
