I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
