I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
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